I don’t like admitting this.
In fact, even typing it makes me uncomfortable.
But there are moments usually when work is overwhelming and my energy is low where a thought creeps in:
“If I didn’t have a child, this would be easier.”
And immediately after that thought comes the guilt.
The Thought I Never Wanted to Have
I love my son. Deeply.
He is not a mistake. He is not a regret.
Yet, there are days when career pressure makes motherhood feel heavy, not because of my son, but because of the demands placed on me while being a mother.
That distinction matters.
But when I'm exhausted, my mind doesn’t always speak kindly.
How This Thought Is Created (Not Chosen)
This thought didn’t come from lack of love.
It came from back to back deadlines, sick days that clash with critical meetings, financial pressure that doesn't pause and the expectation to perform like nothing has changed.
The system expects the same output, with less sleep, less flexibility, and more emotional load. So, when something gives, the mind looks for a reason and sometimes, unfairly, it points at the child.
Why I Hate That Thought
I hate it because it’s not true.
My son is not the burden.
The lack of support is.I don't have anybody else to support me taking care of my son except my husband. Just two of us and its really hard especially the days/weeks our work both demanding.
The absence of space for caregiving is. But when everything piles up, the brain simplifies pain into blame.
And mothers often blame themselves or worse, the people they love most.
Naming the Thought Without Letting It Win
I’ve learned something important, having a thought does not mean you believe it.
And it definitely doesn’t mean you’ll act on it.
Naming the thought is not betrayal.
It’s awareness.
When I name it, I can challenge it:
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My son didn’t make my workload unreasonable
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My son didn’t design this system
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My son didn’t ask for perfection from me
He just needs me imperfect, tired, but present.
Reframing the Truth
The truth is, motherhood didn’t make me weaker.
It made me more efficient, empathetic, aware of my limits and protective of my health and time.
What feels like a burden is actually burnout asking to be addressed.
To Any Mother Afraid of This Thought
If you’ve ever had this thought and immediately felt ashamed pause.
You’re not a bad mother.
You’re a tired one.
You’re responding to pressure, not rejecting your child.
The fact that you hate the thought already tells the truth of your heart.
Let’s stop judging ourselves for thoughts created by exhaustion.
And start asking better questions instead:
What support am I missing?
What boundary needs to change?
What am I carrying alone that shouldn’t be mine?
Your child is not the burden.
You were just never meant to carry everything by yourself.
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