Out of nowhere, this thought came into my mind...
Today is one of those days when my head is full of articles I want to write and share on my blog. And somehow, I found myself thinking about my name.
Yes, my name.
I grew up with a rather unique name: Paya Roni.
When I was growing up in Borneo, there were times when people teased me about my name because “paya” means different things in different languages.
In some contexts, paya is associated with paya bakau, or mangrove swamp. But in my Kenyah language, paya means sayur midin, a type of fern that we commonly eat. Honestly, I have no idea why my parents chose the name Paya for me. I have never really asked them. But somehow, I believe there must be a reason behind it. And whatever that reason was, I believe they gave me the name with good intentions and a good meaning. So even if “Paya” may mean something completely different in another language, I am grateful that it carries a good meaning for my parents and my family.
Then I went to university...
And somehow, the teasing got worse. There were days when I could laugh along with it. But there were also days when I felt a little sad and wished I had a more “fancy” name. You know, those names that sound so beautiful when you introduce yourself?
That was probably when Estelle came into my life.
I got the name from an actress, Julie Estelle. I liked the name, so I looked up its meaning. And guess what?
Estelle means “star.” ⭐
Hahaha.
I guess I was meant to be a star after all. Well... at least I'm on my way. But funny enough, I never officially introduced myself as Estelle. Because deep down, I actually feel really good whenever I introduce myself as Paya Roni. In fact, I kind of enjoy watching people's reactions.
“What?”
“What's your name again?”
Hahaha.
And then I proudly repeat:
“Paya Roni.”
The funny thing is, many people actually remember my name after that.
And honestly, it's quite easy to search for me too.
And then there's Aya...
Before I moved to Semenanjung to further my studies, my nickname was Ayak. Yes, with a K at the end. But when I moved to Perlis, I discovered that the local way of saying “water” or “air” sounded like ayak.And I thought...
“Nope. I'm not using that nickname anymore.”
So I dropped the K and became Aya.
And honestly, I think Aya fits quite nicely with Paya.
Yes, my name story is getting longer and longer. 😂
Then came Estelle Paya
Over the years, I started using Estelle Paya quite frequently. But even then, I never really introduced myself as Estelle. My given name has always been Paya. And recently, something happened that made me think about my name all over again. I came across information about the process of changing or updating a name with Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara (JPN). And suddenly, I became really interested.
I thought...
What if I officially became Estelle Paya?
I actually like the idea.
I like how it sounds.
I like the meaning of Estelle.
And I have used the name for quite some time anyway.
But then...
I started hesitating. Because Paya was the name my dad gave me. And suddenly, adding another name in front of it didn't feel like such a simple decision anymore. Part of me feels like I would be changing something that my dad gave me. And maybe that's why I find it so difficult to decide. I also have this silly little fear...
What if people start remembering me only as Estelle?
What if, eventually, fewer people remember Paya?
And more importantly...
What if one day my children or even my grandchildren forget that Paya was the name their grandfather chose for me?
I don't want that.
Because Paya is more than just a name I grew up with.
It's part of my story.
It's the name my dad gave me.
It's the name I've introduced myself with for years.
It's the name people have asked me to repeat because they couldn't believe they heard it correctly.
It's the name that made me feel embarrassed sometimes, but eventually became something I learned to proudly own.
So here I am...
Still thinking.
Should I officially change my name to Estelle Paya?
Or should I keep Paya Roni exactly as it is?
I honestly don't know yet.
Maybe one day I'll go to JPN and make it official.
Or maybe I'll realise that I don't actually need to change anything.
Maybe Estelle can simply be the name I chose for myself, while Paya remains the name my dad chose for me.
And perhaps I can have both.
For now, I'm still thinking about it.
But one thing I know for sure:
I am proud of my name.
Paya.
The name my dad gave me.
And honestly...
I think I'll always be a little bit of Paya, a little bit of Aya, and maybe a little bit of Estelle too. ⭐😂
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