I feel so insecure with myself, you know lah. I am bigger than ever! hahahaa. I rarely posting photo of myself. But, last Sunday I took my outfit photos with my son after church and I bravely post it.
To be really honest, I still feel so insecure about it but I just let it go! I don't care anymore...
I guess not just me face this but I think of us moms feel this way, right?
Deep down inside, this thought always
"Eh... besarnya aku sekarang."
Sometimes I really miss the old me. The me who could simply pick any outfit from the wardrobe without wondering if it would fit, the me who wasn't afraid to stand in front of the camera took my ootd photos or fit check people called it nowadays.
But life happened.
I became a wife.
Then a mom.
I had surgery.
I went through grief after losing my dad, work became busier, stress became normal. Somewhere in between all of that... my body changed.
And honestly?
I'm still learning how to accept it.
Not every day is easy.
There are days I avoid mirrors, there are days I compare myself to old photos and there are days I promise myself, "Starting Monday, diet betul-betul." 😂
The funny thing is...if another woman my size stood in front of me, I wouldn't think she was ugly.
I wouldn't tell her she needs to lose weight before she deserves nice clothes, I wouldn't tell her she's not beautiful.
So why am I so mean to myself?
I ask myself that a lot lately.
Please don't get me wrong. Yes, I still want to lose weight, not because I hate myself. But because I want to be healthier. I want to have more energy to run after Karl, I want to reduce my health risks, I want to grow old well.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to change. But I don't want to spend the journey hating the person I am today. Because if I keep saying,
"I'll love myself after I lose 20kg..."
What if it takes two years? Am I supposed to spend two years feeling like I'm not enough?
Looking at this photo again...I realised something, I keep seeing my size.But maybe other people see something else. Maybe they see a woman who's still smiling after a difficult season, a working mom trying her best, a blogger chasing her dream of becoming a writer and someone who refuses to give up, even when life hasn't been easy.
Maybe... that's what I should start seeing too.
I'm not the smallest version of myself right now. But I'm still showing up.
I'm still learning.
I'm still growing.
I'm still choosing to dream.
And maybe...that's what "chasing the best version of yourself" really means.Not becoming the skinniest version. But becoming someone who is healthier, kinder to herself, and brave enough to stop hiding from the camera.
Because life is happening now.
Not after I lose weight.
If you're reading this and you've been struggling to accept your body too...
Just know you're not alone.
Let's work on becoming healthier, let's cheer each other on.
But while we're on that journey...
Let's not forget to be gentle with the person we already are.❤️
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